Dear Friends,
Control is a theme that often comes up in therapy--how important it is to focus on the things you can control while releasing the rest. When we learn how to ground ourselves by slowing our breathing or relaxing our bodies during moments of tension, we are again engaging with control. When our lives feel like chaos, we bring it back to the breath. To the smallest thing we can guide and hold.
My relationship with control often feels like playing some kind of weird “He’s Just Not That Into You” game. Like I have to play it cool. Don’t get too invested in trying to control and plan things, because then everything will fall apart. And when it inevitably does, part of the game is that I’m not allowed to get upset--it’s my fault for thinking I was in control when clearly I was not.
Having a child in preschool really amps up the control-and-disappointment tango. Plan a dinner at a friend’s house? Toddler wakes up with food poisoning. Looking forward to a morning out while they’re at school? Toddler now has a runny nose. Add in the extra delight of “is it a cold or is it COVID?”, and you’re really living life to the fullest. In the worst of this fall’s back-to-back toddler illnesses, I told my sister that I’d cracked the code on why making mom-friends is so hard. It’s not that, when you’re a parent, no one wants to be your friend. It’s that everyone is just sick all the time. And as I make plans and watch them fall apart over and over again, I’m supposed to be playing it cool. I’m supposed to be flexible. I’m supposed to go with the flow.
I stopped playing these kinds of games with relationships a long time ago. Pretending you’re someone you’re not (the “cool girl,” super chill, hard to get...) doesn’t get you a partner who is actually a good match for you. So why do I feel the need to play these games with myself?
When we try to play it cool with control, what we’re doing is stifling our joy.
I won’t let myself look forward to this because it’ll probably just get canceled.
When we scold ourselves for feeling disappointment, that’s just another way of stuffing down our feelings instead of processing them.
Looking forward to things is a huge component of human happiness--this is why the lockdown part of the pandemic was so hard. There was literally nothing to look forward to. But I’m trying to learn how to be more present in enjoying spontaneity as well. This feels like ending the game, or at least cheating a little bit. It’s a nice day, we have no plans, and no one has the sniffles? Text a friend for a playdate! Invite someone over for dinner! Go get cupcakes for no dang reason!
I am trying to honor and love my authentic self, even if it turns out I am a deeply uncool, un-evolved Person Who Possesses No Chill. I can be that, but maybe I can also be the one who is quick on her feet in moments of unexpected happiness.
Are you allowing your authentic self to feel what you feel?
Take good care,
Dot
Through our sister company Creative Health Collective, we are excited to host our first in-person creative workshop since 2020! We have 5 spots remaining—sign-ups close at 5PM today.
Join us on Saturday, November 20th in Old Town Alexandria for a workshop on meditation stones. We’ll show you how to create a tangible resource for when you’re feeling stuck, need inspiration, or want to ground yourself during moments of struggle or tension. Join us for a morning of community and inspiration—interact with other creative people and connect after this long period of isolation. Reignite your energy through this accessible creative practice.
WHAT: Meditation Stones Workshop
WHEN: Saturday, November 20, 10AM-11:30AM
WHERE: 1008 Pendleton Street, Suite 1A, Alexandria, VA (10 min walk from Braddock Road Metro station)
COST: $90, includes all materials + light refreshments
Attendees must provide proof of vaccination and comply with our mask policy. Creative Health Collective workshops, coaching, and courses do not constitute mental health treatment or counseling, and as such are not reimbursable by insurance.
Are you ready to breathe again? Creative Health Collective is now offering a one-on-one parenting coaching course! If you’ve been following us from out of state (or country) and have been wanting to break through some of the parenting challenges in your life, this course is open to parents everywhere, not just in the Alexandria, Virginia area.
This four-week course includes coaching sessions for parents who are yearning for something more, plus resources, workbooks, and art materials to help you tap into your creative intuition.
What If Thanksgiving Just Makes me Feel Bad? Part 1: Problematic Holidays
This blog was written by a non-Indigenous writer and is intended to provide non-Indigenous people with ways to think more intentionally about this holiday, including connecting with Indigenous writers…
What if Thanksgiving Just Makes me Feel Bad? Part 2: Bad Gratitude
As I was writing Part 1 of this series on Thanksgiving as a problematic holiday, I kept coming back to Indigenous writer and chef Sean Sherman’s words about the day…
A deeply satisfying doodling app.
How ignoring each other in the same room can actually be a sign of a healthy attachment style. (NYT)
This embroidery journal made me gasp.
What to do with your problems.
Loved this blog about creativity and patience, especially the new-to-me Helsinki Bus Station Theory: “As the photographer Arno Minkkinen explained, Helsinki bus lines start out traveling the same path but then diverge at different points in the route, spreading out to far and wide locales. When you find your work resembles someone else’s, or you’re on someone else’s bus, traveling someone else’s path, don’t try to go back to the bus station at the very beginning and completely reinvent yourself and start from scratch, keep working and ‘stay on the bus!’ At a certain point, your path will split off into something new.”
DrawTogether with WendyMac - This new, short, doodling podcast is very soothing!
I can’t stop thinking about these face-swapping collages.
What becoming a parent really does to your happiness. (The Atlantic)
“Do the best you can with the tools you have”: on the creative process and growth.
Long exposure of Buddhist Prayer flags by Vitor Schietti, who captions the image: “To send prayers to the winds, to create thoughts for a better world, to see colors as does a Mantis Shrimp.”
